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April 23rd, 2016

01:57 pm: And Autumn fades into Winter
We are half way through Autumn and I feel as though I may have missed it. Between full time work, budgeting, wedding planning and convalescing, I have only just realised that we are two months into Autumn.

Autumn is my favourite season, but here it has been unseasonably warm for the first month and the second month has been all over the place. Today is blustery, cold and overcast with a promise of rain. This is the Autumn weather I have been pining for. Unfortunately we are all sick and have spent the last few days inside in bed. Today has been no exception. I want to spend all day out in that blustery wind, enjoying the change of weather, the leaves and the promise of more change, however the current coughing fits that come with illness and cold air have prevented too much of this.

So we shall have to spend the day rugged up indoors staring out into the beautiful world and thinking about the promise of more days like today.

February 25th, 2016

05:36 pm: How quickly they grow
I think a lot about how fast my daughter is growing and changing and I try to remember all the little things she says and does that one day she will love to hear me recount, however, I realise now that it all happens so fast that sometimes you have to write these things down.

She has transitioned from saying "I la you" to "I love oo"

She says drink with a guttural "gunk" sound.

She loves glitter.

She doesn't like the stringy bits on a banana. She calls it the bananas hair.

She thinks freckles are sores and when she sees them she says "Lulu, little bit sore."

She is obsessed with the moon and has been since she could say moon, about 6 months ago.

She loves Harry Potter (the first movie because the rest are too scary) and Dr Who (though that is also too scary most of the time).

When something frightens her she cries out "mummy!" and then whispers "cary!"

She speaks in the third person but has just learned how to say "its mine"

She loves peas, kidney beans, blueberries and strawberries. She also likes crackers and asked me often for "cackas."

The word sparkly sounds like "bokey" when she says it.

She likes going to school and when I picked her up yesterday she blew kisses to the staff to say goodbye.

She is obsessed with animals. She loves horses, cats, dogs and rabbits the most. She is a little too confident with them which is funny because less than four months ago if she saw an animal that wasn't our cat she would cling to me, try to climb me and shout "mummy up!"

She is also afraid of thunder.

She calls my bras and swim tops "mummy's boobies" and if she sees a guy without a shirt on she says "nudie rudie. boobies."

She is obsessed with belly buttons and rocks. Her pockets are always full of little rocks from outside and I have to make sure that I check her clothes before they go in the machine.

She likes to clarify that it is hot or sunny but not both. If you say it is hot and sunny she says, "is hot. not sunny." or "not hot. is sunny."

She says "tanks" when you give her something she wants. It is super cute. She still is a little less frequent with please.

She loves the water and wants to go swimming whenever she sees water. "Mummy, Lulu fwimming? Lulu water?"

She is also curious and often says "mummy, wots dat?"

She loves trains and will tell you if she sees trains, train tracks or the station.

And she makes up songs. She sings them about everything and everyone. At the moment she mostly sings about her uncle Josh. "Jo-o-osh" and will sing at length.

She is starting to establish an idea of belonging. She will see our grandparents house and says "Ganny's house" (Granny's house) and then next doors house - "another persons house" and our house is "Lulu's house, or, mummy's house"

This week she also learned how to say aunty. She is picking up new words all of the time and it is so beautiful to hear her say them. She repeats them to herself too when she plays or thinks that nobody is there to hear her. Her learning method I suppose.

She is obsessed with her soft toys too and wants them all to come to bed with her and dummy and snuggly (her comfort blanket) and she still likes a bottle of milk (she says "mulk") before she goes to bed. It is very sweet.

Two has been a difficult journey for us so far, there has been moving states, adjusting to new living situations, starting a new childcare centre and both parents working. Two has been challenging behaviours, screaming and biting and hitting, anger and frustration. Two has been full of love, tight squeezing cuddles, reading stories in her room, kisses and "I love oo's". Two has been a big change for all of us.

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February 21st, 2016

07:34 am: So many new things are occurring
I am in the midst of wedding planning and preparing for a new job and repainting the house. I am tired but starting to feel more settled.

I feel some trepidation regarding my upcoming job, I start tomorrow. Whilst it is the usual pre-work jitters, it is mixed in with an anxiety about not being able to get my child to childcare and then arrive at work on time. Having to organise a tiny human and yourself is very difficult. Having to get them organised and then get them out the door by a certain time is another feat in itself.

I am hoping that this will all become a routine for us but I do feel tired at the thought of it.

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February 3rd, 2016

01:39 pm: A time without the internet
20th January 2016

Sometimes having a child is a blissful period of witnessing the miracle of life and all of the beauty we can create and sometimes it is like throwing yourself onto hot concrete, painful with a burn that stays.

The thing is that you don’t have good days and bad days as a parents. You have moments and your day swings wildly between the two the entire time (except when they sleep and you smile with hope that the quiet time lasts at least as long as that cup of tea you have been craving).

Today is another day. A day of love and kisses, playing games, watching movies, getting cuddles, going swimming, screaming tantrums, being bitten and 15 minutes of nap time with no chance of another nap in sight (oh i despair).

We lack routine at the moment and we lack stability. We have shifted from location to location and for the first time in my life, I want to be still. So still. I want to experience life in one place and one place alone. I do not have any desire to travel or even leave. I just want a stable place to reside and rest but I feel that this may actually be an illusion.

21st January 2016

I have a lot of things to look forward to at the moment. I am moving into a new house and starting a new job and I will be reunited with my cat soon (I think I probably miss her more than she misses me).

But because of all these really exciting things that are happening, I feel like this week is taking forever to finish!
I have tried to fill up the time with things that will help it pass. Shopping, visiting friends and family, taking my daughter to the park. This tactic has not worked unfortunately and I am waiting desperately for the process of moving (I am sure it will be fine).

For the first time in years, I am actually looking forward to moving house. I think perhaps the extended length of time without a stable house has given me more energy to get the move in progress. Anyway, until that occurs, I will hide in the little granny flat where we are staying and sit in front of the ancient air conditioner and listen to the sound of it struggling against the heat. I would rather it than me.

26th January 2016

I have a house. We have a house. We are renting a place with my sister and her husband. This is in part a convenience as we all have pets and will sometimes require pet sitting and also splitting rent between four people is much better for saving for things such as my impending wedding.

I am feeling hopeful and also exhausted. We moved all of our boxes of things into the house last night and slept on mattresses on the floor. Well, my partner and daughter slept, I don’t know why but I had trouble sleeping and ended up unpacking boxes until 3am. This was good though. It felt productive and I ended up crawling into bed and sleeping until 7.30am.

Today the unpacking continues as we realise how much we actually have in a house with no storage. It may be time to cull a lot of the things that we have accumulated. We have ended up scoring a few excellent cupboards for clothes from family members who were getting rid of them anyway. I am also going to paint at some point. We have permission to paint two of the bedrooms because they are in poor condition due to the previous residents being teenage boys. Lots of holes where shelving once was and thumb tacks and blu tak everywhere. Also stickers. My bedroom door has an abundance of dragon ball Z stickers mixed with bike and clothing brand logos.

Whilst the mountain of work ahead of us seems daunting, I am also looking forward to settling in and creating a home. We have been drifting for a while and I think it is finally time for a rest and to settle. I do think that if we are to do more moving we should do it in the next 3 years before my baby starts school, but I am also happy to put up these wandering feet for a while.

28th January 2016

The animals have settled in well. The dogs are happy and running about the yard. They have a little kid to play with and extra people to pay them attention. The cat has started purring and sleeping on my bed.

I am in the midst of renovations and exploration of yet more furniture places to see if we can find what we are looking for. So far, no luck, but I shall head further afield tomorrow and may find what I am looking for.

My daughter is settling in too. She has worked out the space and how it is working for her. She is running around and playing with the animals and interacting with all the adults. She is cooking with her aunty, reading books with her daddy and playing games and drawing with her mum.

We walked down the end of the street today and although it was hot and steamy, I felt renewed just by being in the bush. Strange how a small saturation of flora can reinvigorate me.

29th January 2016

It turns out that shopping for furniture is very difficult. It has been hard to find the sort of thing that I want for the house. I am being fairly specific due to the shortage of space and the need for furniture that is also a receptacle for linen and the strict budget imposed by my fiancé who is happy to live like a monk if it means he saves money.

I have frequented several furniture stores, antique and second hand stores and have not found what I am looking for. My fiancé did say that he has found a blueprint online explaining how to make the piece of furniture that I want, however, I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on him as he already has a physical job that he works six days a week.

We shall see how things pan out over the next little while. We just need a little more storage to unpack into and then we shall be settled in. Right now there are piles of books and linen and all kinds of nicknacks spread about the house. If the furniture and moving gods are kind to us, we shall find what we are looking for.

…..

Good news, we found a bookshelf. And just like that, things have begun to rearrange and sort themselves out. There is still a lot of sorting that has to occur but for the moment, things are starting to very slowly fall into place.
I feel as though there is so much floating around my brain at the moment and I need to catch on so many things and also complete a lot of things and although I may have created a list of tasks too great for myself, I feel I will get there in the end. Even if some of the deadlines are a little late.

31st January 2016

Today felt very stressful, I presume due to lack of sleep. I do not cope well with poor sleep, however, with a toddler it seems to come with the territory. So today goes firmly in the category of days I would like to burn in a fire. That is not to say that it was a bad day, I don’t wish the day away but I wish away the feeling that today presented.

1st February 2016

Everything is coming up Milhouse.
It is amazing how up and down this process has been for me. I know it will be fine and my moods are normally a little bit dynamic but right now they change more frequently than the weather.
Today feels calmer, somehow, less chaotic and a little more (not a lot) organised.

January 19th, 2016

06:43 pm: On finding space and a place with my family
I am writing from a tiny granny flat in the back end of Glenbrook where we have made ourselves a little quiet place to stay. It was advertised as a b’n’b wellness retreat, but its not really what I would consider to be worth $750/week. Renting a granny flat would have been cheaper and more well equipped because at least we would have had a stove top.

This place is kitted out with a sink and a microwave and a bar fridge. It’s not a place I would stay at again but it has really made a difference in our lives to have this small private space during this big transition time.

So instead of being crammed into a tiny room at my parents with no door, we have a two bedroom space with an ensuite bathroom. A room for the baby to sleep in and a room for us. Bliss. It has made me realise that when I finally buy/build my own house, I really don’t need as much space as I think I do. It is enough to have the basics for life and the rest is a luxury. There a people all over the world who do not even have the basics and thinking on this has made me grateful for the space and time I have with my family to enjoy their company and spend time with them.

January 15th, 2016

10:59 am: And just like that, everything changes
In the space of 24 hours, I have had hopeful house news, I am a few hours away from seeing my partner, my parents have left on holidays and the temperature has dropped about 20 degrees celsius from yesterday. I feel almost hopeful, definitely less anxious and stressed.

I am spending a lot of time watching my child and thinking about the future. Planning with excitement all of the things to come. I feel that this year is going to be full of big change and hopefully it will be all positive.

Although I am working full time this year, I am hoping for a more quiet year than last year. I think I just want to potter through work, become a little bit of a homebody and not make too many plans.

Current Location: the folks ... still here
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Bobby Womack - How could you break my heart?

January 12th, 2016

08:32 pm: Living with my mother is making me crazy
I think living with my mother might be making me crazy. I don't know why but I can't seem to handle the stress of life when I am residing in her house.

It could be her OCD causing me to panic every time my daughter puts something out of place and spills food and drink.

It could be that she constantly questions my parenting and undermines everything I do and say as a parent. But my mother-in-law to be also does this so I am getting used to it. I just take a deep breath and pretend I can't hear what is being said.

It could be that she sat me down the other day to advise me that the wedding I am planning is a ridiculous idea and that I should just get married in her backyard to save money (or my nanny's because that is neutral territory for my dad) and that I need to be ruthless and slash half the guest list and that I need to tell people they can't bring their kids (almost all of my friends have children or babies).

It could be that I am sleeping in a room where the bed has to be packed away every day because people need to use it to use the phone and computer. It could be that the room has no door and is right next to the kitchen so I can't get my child to sleep at night because people are using that area and the lights are on and that at least one house member gets up for work at 4.30am (so that is when i wake up).

Anyway, I am taking herbal "calm" tablets from the health food store, which I am not certain are really working, but the placebo effect may be helping me believe that I feel better and I suppose that is good. I just need to get out of this house.

Current Location: the folks place
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: The air-conditioning gently humming in the background
04:29 pm: Finding houses, having babies and old friends
As I return to LJ, my old friend, I farewell an old friend who has passed last night at the age of 26. She had cystic fibrosis and despite a lung transplant a few years ago she began to struggle. She left this world the same day that David Bowie did and although I don't believe in heaven I would like to think that perhaps they travelled together somewhere.

This January also marks the fourth anniversary of a dear friend passing from a drug overdose. I think about him often but at this time of year I think of his parents who lost their only child.

Meanwhile I gaze upon the blonde haired spectacle that is my daughter. January marked the two year anniversary of her birth and I love her more than I could have possibly known. She has already developed a personality that is strong, friendly, vibrant, energetic (more than me) and water obsessed. Becoming a mother has definitely changed me, more than I realised and challenged me in ways I did not expect.

We are also currently house hunting in what I can only describe as the shit fest that is the rental market at the moment. I just want to find a clean house with a small yard and enough space to put a fold out bed in the lounge room for visitors. Apparently in the area we are looking, that starts at roughly half a grand per week. We are not even looking in a nice area. How has the rental market changed so much in such a short period of time? It is quite disheartening and very disturbing and makes me realise how difficult it must be for some many families to get a rental property with the exorbitant asking prices and the shortage of houses for families.

Anyway, with any luck I will not have to live on the floor of my mothers computer room with a 2 year old. I will hopefully find something, even if it is ever so small. Anything at this point will make me feel better I think. I haven't lost hope yet, but the options do not inspire it.

Current Location: the folks place
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Shaun the Sheep theme song
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January 11th, 2016

06:50 pm: So apparently I haven't posted anything in over a year.
I have been terrible at journaling and it appears that it has been quite some time since I last posted. To be fair, I have been a little busy.

To recap:
- I have a child now
- I just completed my Bachelor of Nursing which leads me to have spent a decade at university (not all on the same degree)
- I got engaged and am planning a wedding
- I travelled to Europe last year
- I travelled to 4 weddings last year (one involved driving from Canberra to Coolangatta and back with two babies in the car)
- I moved house twice
- I am currently homeless with a child and a very unhappy cat. Also my partner who is tall and amazing.
- I have realised that I want to do a lot more writing and although I don't make new years resolutions, I could call this my Saturn return goal. Apparently mine is approaching and people keep bringing it up.

Current Location: At the folks place
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: My brother's composition playing in the studio

February 24th, 2014

10:23 am: Rant time
Ok, now we have a maintenance company that regularly comes to maintain the property that my townhouse resides on. I take issue with the company as they are not real bright. Also, as my partner says, never trust a fat landscaper. This is a good rule of thumb. Anyway, there have been three incidents and I am now thoroughly pissed off at one particular member of the company about and this led to me yelling at him about 20 minutes ago.

Now I don't think that this man is a bad guy, just a little bit crap at his job. I will begin with his pruning technique in which he blindly hacks everything down until there are few leaves left on the plant, if any. Now, this works for the rose bush next door, but not the piney shrub at our house which we have watched slowly die over the last 10 months despite our best efforts to save it with water and various plant specific fertiliser. This made me sad for the plant and frustrated for us because that bush was the only cover we had in Summer on the west facing wall of our house. Now there is no cover and it means our house gets even hotter in Summer.

Second, the incident in which he was using a whipper snipper to cut some weeds next to my car and accidentally flicked a rock into my window and broke it, this was made worse by him trying to explain what he had done, although it was obvious, all the while breaking of more bits of the glass and tossing it on my back seat. He called a company and paid to replace the window, however, this took several days due to the window being an unusual size. Since the window was broken and replaced my car door rattles. I now have a constant reminder of this ass hat in my life.

Cut to today where I hear a blower vac outside my window and decide to peer out and see what is happening only to view the same guy blowing all the dirt in the back of the property off the driveway and under the clothes line where I have four loads of clean washing hanging…which are now covered in dirt. I came running out and started yelling at him. Now I have to wash yesterdays washing all over again, not to mention todays washing which is half done. To his credit, he called and reported the 'issue' to someone and asked if it could be passed along to body corporate.

I am irate about the entire situation. Trying to feed and put my baby to sleep with the sound of a mower and a blower vac going and then realising that my washing is completely ruined. I am unimpressed.

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